I just had the oddest phone conversation with my mother.
Mom: Did your phone just dial me by accident?
Me: Not that I know of. Why?
Mom: Well, I had a voice mail from you and when I checked it, I just heard some background noise and you saying ‘ass’ and then ‘groin’.
Mom: What were you doing? [Said with a mix of fear/judgement that I may have been having sex (gasp!) at the time as well as concern for my well-being]
Me: [Also thinking of all the inappropriate situations I could be in where those words might be uttered.] Hmm…. OH, well now that you mention it, I did make those two comments when I was leaving work today because both my ass and groin hurt from yoga.
Mom: Oh, good. I wasn’t sure what you were doing or if you were being kidnapped or something.
Me: Well, if I was being kidnapped, why would I say those words?
Mom: I don’t know? Maybe you were being grabbed in those spots on your body.
It’s clear I need a new phone. I’ve known for awhile that it likes to dial people randomly and without provocation because it sucks. But I’ve been holding out for my contract to expire in a few months so I get a (sorta) free phone. Clearly, it’s ornery-ness has reached new heights. This time it actually dialed itself from inside my purse, with the keypad allegedly locked. Obviously that lock function is just a veil of security — and one I won’t fall for anymore. This time was an innocent situation, but God forbid it happens again when I’m in the middle of a not-so-innocent situation.