Over the past few days, I’ve noticed several items that I wanted to bring to your attention. I’m listing them for you in no particular order, but all of them do need to be addressed at some point sooner rather than later.
- You probably should have iced your ass down after taking a dive on the wet concrete at Comerica Park last week. I know you thought everything was fine since it didn’t hurt the next day, but you know that sharp pain you felt in Warrior 1 tonight? That was your tailbone. And it’s not fine.
- You are turning into your mother. Take this weekend for example. Your poor boyfriend did 4.5 hours of driving each way to Traverse City and what did you do? Played passenger-seat-driver, that’s what. So he speeds a little. So he follows other cars more closely than you would. Are those valid reasons to go all maternal on him and do the human seatbelt, complete with sound effects? You know what I’m talking about. Those times when you didn’t think he was stopping quickly enough, so you launched your left arm in front of him and yelled STOP! Or even those times when you uttered an EEK under your breath. You hated it when your mom did it to you, so why are you doing it to him? Besides, you know damn well nobody wants to have sex with the mother figure.
- No matter how sexy you think your arms are, you are far from in shape. Yeah, you’re thin and yeah, yoga pays off. Your biceps are more toned, and in the right light your tummy looks sleeker. But in every other light it just looks plain ponch-arific. Just because you’re thin overall doesn’t mean you’re fit and trim. This was made blatantly obvious during that fateful dune climb this past weekend, when you demonstrated your inability to compete with 70-year-olds when it comes to cardio activity. Time to get your ass off the couch and bring your body age further away from AARP status.
- Speaking of getting off the couch, it’s also time to kick the TV out the window. Your job is actually requiring you to do work these days, which leaves less time after 5 to take care of other things, like reading your book for book club, writing in your blog, and doing the dishes so you don’t get crusty gunk growing on them. I know you know this, yet night after night I see you wasting time away in front of some random ass show like The Mole. You don’t even like The Mole, but there you are. Step away from the remote, Supergirl.
- This leads me to the whole thing about eating better. I believe if you weren’t all cozied up in front of the TV, you wouldn’t eat so much. Yes, your genes have graced you with a fabulous metabolism, but damn girl, last night you ate two entree-equivalent items for dinner. Why? Because you had nothing else do to but watch the Bachelorette. And because you have a severe addiction to carbs and dairy products, but I fear that’s an issue that can’t be fixed.
I know I sound like I’m being a Negative Nancy, focusing on all these flaws. Truth is, you’re great, Supergirl, and you’ve got a lot going for you. You’ve got a job that is finally challenging you in a good way and friends and all that. You’ve made strides in tackling the above issues with the whole getting rid of cable thing and buying a core stability ball. Now, if you’d just avoid turning the TV on in the first place and use the ball instead of letting it collect dust in the corner, you’d be all set.
Love you bunches,