This weekend proved to be an interesting stage in the DD-Supergirl relationship. He has been traveling every week for the past month, and we’ve only had the weekends to see each other. And, we’ve had a bajillion things to do each weekend. This weekend, we were running amongst errands, family obligations, and fun time. During one such moment of “fun time”, DD and I were talking, when he told me he liked me. Normal enough, but something was different. He had that look in his eye. That look that I’ve seen more than once lately, but so far, nothing has come from it.
This time, however, he followed his usual I like you, with: Actually, I think I beyond like you. I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and realized he just wasn’t going to say that little 4 letter word. At that moment, I knew for sure he felt it, but he’s having just as much trouble forming the words as I am. I responded with a cheesy Well, I beyond like you, too.
Later that day, we were talking about the exchange and he said: Listen, I’ll say it if you say it first. I replied: No, that’s not how this works. I’m having just as much trouble saying it out loud as you. Some day, one of us will do it.
But also at that moment, I wasn’t ready at that moment to say “I Love You.” I wasn’t feeling all gushy right then, and for some reason I feel like the first “I Love You” should be full of gush. It felt like if I said it, I’d just be saying it, not meaning it. I even felt that way a bit when I replied to his initial I beyond like you.
To go any further, I have to trust that DD meant it when he said that he a.) didn’t remember the web address to this blog and b.) said he didn’t care and wasn’t going to find it anyway.
Because what I’m about to say, he doesn’t know yet. But I feel like I need to get some feedback from the blogosphere. After all, isn’t that one of the reasons we do this — to relate to people? Feel like we’re not alone? I’m crossing some boundaries by talking about something I haven’t broached with him, but I figure I’m pretty safe. He’s not all up on the blogs. I mean, c’mon, the boy just discovered Facebook.
So, here goes.
This is all coming at a time when I’m having a bit of an identity crisis about our relationship. It began in Traverse City when I looked at him one moment and thought: is this where I’m supposed to be? I don’t know where it came from. He’d done nothing to make me question the relationship or my feelings. I look back and remember a great weekend, but this niggling thought stayed with me off and on again this past weekend, burying itself deeper, but never totally going away. And frankly, it’s starting to make me a little scared.
I don’t want to end it. At least I don’t think I do. He’s so good to me; in fact, he’s rather perfect. Sure, he has his annoying traits, as I know I do, but overall, we’re a perfect match. He’s possibly the best compliment to me that I’ll ever find. But how do I know that for sure? How do I know he’s The One? Months ago, I thought without a doubt that he was. Now, I think reality is setting in and I’m realizing that he very well could be, and for some reason I feel ill-equipped to know for sure. So I’m freaking out.
Maybe it’s simply because I have never been in this situation before and I don’t know how to be in this space. Throughout my dating history, I’ve been the chaser. I’ve never gotten to a point where there’s no chasing and the relationship is just calm. Even during my three year “relationship”, I was constantly chasing the boy, proving myself, hoping he’d stick around. So, I don’t know how to just be in a relationship where there’s an equal level of love and respect.
Also, with all this mutual love and respect, comes the hum-drum nature of long-term relationships. There’s no drama. And I *thrive* on drama –which is another big reason I think I’m having these thoughts. It’s been a year, and the hum-drum is to be expected. No more chasing, no more googly eyes for each other over first dates and first kisses and first everything else. The relationship has settled, the firsts have fallen away, and life has returned to normal. Again, a place I’ve never been. I love creating some drama, and maybe that’s why these thoughts are coming up.
I’m hoping that I just need to get used to this new blanket of ease and non-drama. Once I cuddle up under it a bit, I will like the warmth it gives off. There is no reason to end it with him. I’m attracted to him, we take care of each other, we’re good together. Problem is, I’m awful at trusting my gut in situations like this, when I have no prior knowledge to go off of. Yeah, I know I care about him, but in the same head I’m stirring the drama pot to a point where I’m not sure what my gut is telling me.
I feel like I always hear “I knew from the moment I met him that he was The One.” Is there another side? A side that feels like you don’t want to be without the person, but you’re still unsure if he’s The One? Because you’ve never met The One before, so you don’t know how it feels?
As you can see, The One thing is perhaps also part of what’s freaking me out. Going back to the whole “I Love You” conversation, I think I’m really just scared to say it now because I feel like I also need to make a decision on all The One thoughts inside my head that are now causing this freak-out. I was ready to say it a few months ago, and didn’t because I was afraid he didn’t feel the same way. Now that I’ve been noticing that he probably does, it’s different. I feel like by saying “I Love You”, I’m suddenly committing myself to something more than I’m ready for.
Which is weird, because in the same breath I can see us living together and sharing a life. That’s not really behavior of someone who’s afraid of committing to a particular person. So then why can’t I just say it? Why am I even second-guessing all The One thoughts in my head?
I need to just enjoy what we are and the comfort it brings me. To block out all the drama-stirring and talk to him about my concerns. To realize that perhaps I’ve never loved someone before, even though I thought I had. Or at the very least, that this is a real love and a real relationship, with all the hills and valleys, googly eyes and normal eyes, that come with it.