The one where mom revoked the wedding

Gah! I feel so un-hip to the blogosphere these days. I’ve had several ideas come along for posts (most of which I no longer remember…) but, I just haven’t been around the past couple days. And I’m leaving for the corn fields of Nebraska for a week, so don’t expect the MIA trend to go away just yet. I promise I’ll be around more soon. For now, I leave you with…

The story of how my mom took away the wedding fund.

There it was — Wednesday. I went to my parents’ house to do laundry to a) avoid paying for it and b) avoid my apartment building’s creepy laundry room. I thought it would also be a good opportunity to spend some QT with my mom, so I brought stuff to stay the night.

About that QT? Boy, was I off.

It all started out well enough. We were eating dinner, chatting away. My mother and I are really quite close, probably because I’m turning into her more and more every day. On the other hand, my mom is an uptight crazy worrier, so sometimes, well, we butt heads.

During our convo, I mentioned the possibility of DD heading to Europe to work for 6 months. Without even thinking twice, I continued down the path and explained how he had asked me to come with him if it happend and that while that was pretty impractical, I was thinking about spending some extended time over there. At that comment, the conversation went a bit like this:

Mom: Well, but then you’d have to live with him.
Me: (Sensing where she was going) Well, yes, I would. 
Mom: Well, if you do that, don’t think I’m going to be paying for your wedding.
Me: ……….. (birds chirping….)

Seriously. It took me a minute to recover before I launched into the Why’s and How’s and How Could You’s, etc. She simply explained that if I were to live with a guy — any guy — before getting married, I could say good bye to any financial help when it came to the wedding. Now, it’s not like they’ve been saving for my wedding or anything, but they make decent money and I always assumed they’d be there to help if needed. I guess you know what happens when you assume.

I tried to get her back with a sly: So it’s OK if we elope in Vegas because that’s all we can afford? She said that it was my choice and if that was what I chose to do, she couldn’t stop me. Because she wasn’t paying.

Guess she’s serious.

She’s pulled this once before with me. In college, there was a month one summer where I would be between living arrangements and needed a place to stay at school. A guy friend offered to have me rent his second bedroom for the month. Granted, I did like the guy, but we were not dating. Yet. (Or ever, but that’s another post…)

Anyway, when she found out I was contemplating the offer, we fought about it for weeks. Finally, she said Listen, if you want to go live with this guy for a month, fine, but if you do, you’re cut off financially.

My parents paid for all of my college — tuition, room and board, living expenses, everything. I got off scot free and I am more than thankful for that. So, you best believe I wasn’t about to turn my back on that gift horse. Conversation over. I found new living arrangements that did not include members of the opposite gender. All because the idea of living with a guy was too “living in sin” for her to accept. Regardless of any romantic involvement or lack thereof.

Back to the present situation, the rational me gets her point of view. It’s her money and she can spend it how she wants. And I’m not entitled to a wedding. But the little girl in me is like “What! But it’s tradition!” And the cheapskate in me says “Dammit! I can’t afford the wedding I want to have!” 

I guess I’m also frustrated at the underlying issue that causes this head-butting in the first place. Obviously, my mom is very old fashioned and enstilled in me a high moral compass. A compass I like to hope I’ve kept relatively due north on. I’ve never done drugs, I didn’t really drink until I was old enough, and even now I don’t get into any sort of trouble. Shit, I’ve never even picked up a cigarette. So, I’ve drifted off of due north by choosing to engage in pre-marital sex (which also happened at an older age than most), and I would entertain the idea of living with a man before marrying him. Does this now make me a heathen and therefore not worthy of any financial help when marrying the man of my dreams? She keeps saying that she must not have raised as moral of a person as she thought —  yet, as I mentioned above, I consider myself pretty damn moral. Especially by today’s standards. So, I just wish she’d accept that I’m pretty damn good, and ignore the few immoral things I may engage in.

Ah well. It’s not like I’m getting married tomorrow — or even moving in with anyone. The funny thing about this whole conversation is that what prompted it is a completely hypothetical proposition and one that has a 99.9999% chance of not becoming a reality. But still, lately I’ve thought more and more that I’d like to live with DD and I always knew my parents wouldn’t be a fan of that, but that over time they’d get over it and be OK. And now, I’m just not sure. I’d hate to cause a horrible rift in my family. They’re all I’ve got. And when you think about it, it’s such a petty thing. I don’t have to live with someone before I marry them. All of my mom’s points against it are more than valid.

I just hate feeling the pressure of her beliefs on me. Especially when I moved out and away from them long ago.



Filed under DD (aka My Man), family values, rambling nature, Uncategorized

7 responses to “The one where mom revoked the wedding

  1. My old roomie moved to this city to be with her boyfriend. They are both Mormon. Angie and Chad just wanted to live together to save money (and they were the religious sort where there would be NO hanky-panky!) but her parents were so violently opposed to the idea that they offered to pay for her to live somewhere else (i.e.: my spare room) since she said she couldn’t afford NOT to live with him.

    High school bestie did an internship in London and lived with her fiance over there because it was an unpaid gig and she couldn’t afford to rent a flat. Her parents were pissed but didn’t have any money to rent one for her, so there she stayed.

    You could just tell your mom you’re crashing with a female friend of DD’s when you go over there… it’s not like she’s going to stop by for tea, right?

  2. You sound what I imagine my 11 year-old girl will say when she’s your age. I just gotta say a couple of things. First, you sound like a smart, independent, loyal and moral young woman. All the things your mom hoped you would be. A daughter anyone would be proud of. Second, I doubt you would be all those things had your mom been flexible in your upbringing about morals and behavioral expectations. Please don’t go against what you (and don’t kid yourself here) know would be the right thing to do. Sure, you’re on your own and your mother would never find out if you lied about staying with DD. But would you really feel good about lying to your mom and thereby creating a secret world in which she is excluded? You sound like you love and respect your mom. Respect and love yourself, too. Don’t veer too far from your own moral compass here.

  3. Oh my god. I think I would have heard birds chirping too if I was told that. I can’t believe she would pull all wedding funding like that for that reason! What is this 1950? It’s tough to reason with people who are like this and are so black/white on an issue like this too. Well let’s hope it gets better or is tabled for now. Unreal.

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