Mother knows best

Remember the time when my mom told me that if I ever, EVER live with someone of the opposite gender, that she would revoke any and all wedding-related financial assistance?

And remember how I wasn’t really concerned because DD wasn’t anywhere near the point of being ready to live with me? So much so, that when I brought it up in a fit of annoyance of the inconvenience of our living situation, saying it’d be so much more convenient to just live together; he took the opportunity to have a mild freak-out detailing over and over that he was NOT ready for that?

That was just a mere two months ago.

And it all changed this weekend.

While at brunch on Sunday, after quite a lovely evening at Town Tavern, which I’ve already waxed (un)poetically about, the subject of living together came up. I have no idea how, I couldn’t recreate the conversation for you if I spent two hours trying, but it boils down to him now being open to the idea. In fact, if I’m remembering correctly, he brought it up.

How exciting!

But he has a caveat: he’s still not ready for an engagement or marriage. He realizes this means that in reality, we can’t live together just yet thanks to my mom’s ultimatum. I appreciate him respecting my relationship with my family, and being equally smart about not rushing to kick future financial help to the curb.  

It leaves me a little sad, though. Because I’d really like to live with him. I’d see him more. I’d have someone else to cook for and buy groceries for. It has to be easier to cook for two than for one. There’d be someone to split bills with. To cuddle up with on a cold night. I’d get to stop packing bags and planning logistics for spending time together. In the words of my boss: Our underwear could live together.

And that would be so freakin’ awesome. And convenient.

I could decide that I don’t care about my relationship with my family, or the financial support it provides, and dive in. But, thanks to mom’s old school ways, I’ve been forced to take a step back and be more thoughtful in my decision. And you know what? She’s right. It’s hard to eek those words out, but it’s true.

Why in the hell would I combine my life with someone who isn’t sure where this is going? Sure, he knows it’s going somewhere, but right now, it’s a 60/40 chance we’ll walk down the aisle. The odds increase every day and I’m pretty confident we’ll get there someday, but until I’m 100% confident, why take the chance? Living together would mean finding a new place for both of us to live and combining some assets. It would mean making decisions about stuff and furniture (because we both have apartments full of it) and storing or selling things off. Why would I do that unless I knew for sure this was going to last? I know for some people it works, but after thinking about it, it really is a chance I’m not prepared to take.

Don’t get me wrong; three months ago, I thought my mother was crazy and old-fashioned. Who cared if the chances were 60/40 we’d work out? I felt confident it would happen, and whether that was in a year or 10 years, who cared?

Then, my friend and her boyfriend broke up. They’d been dating for probably 5 years and living together for 2 or 3. I would have put their chances of getting married at 90/10.

But it ended. And it was ugly. It was basically a divorce without the paperwork. They had to split stuff up, including custody of a dog. She had to say goodbye to his child from a previous relationship. She had to find a place to live in a matter of days. Not to mention dealing with the emotional baggage of losing a love.

Now, she’s on my mom’s side. Telling me that it was a huge mistake and she did it for the wrong reasons — like convenience. That pesky convenience that I long for. But, just like my mom, she’s right.

So, as much as I want to just chuck it all and move in with the man I love, I’m painfully exercising my self-control and refraining. Holding my ground and telling him that I need more of a commitment than just an “I Love You.” Luckily, he gets it so there’s no pressure to cave.

Instead, there’s just a blue overnight bag and an endless logistical plan.



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5 responses to “Mother knows best

  1. This is a toughie, Supergirl!

    Will your mom support you if you’re engaged at least? I know you mention that’s a bit down the road still, but that was my mother’s ultimatum for me — no rock, no living together. (plus there’s the whole “why buy the cow when the milk is free” thought process…)

    A few weeks after we were engaged, my hubs and I moved in together and it was a great move for both of us — we were committed, but not so much so that if I really hated the way he left his shavings on the sink (which I do!) was enough of a point to split up (not quite), at least it happened before all the bloody paperwork. Dating and living together are WAY different and sometimes people just don’t work together well when it comes to close quarters!

    Just my thoughts. 🙂

  2. Supergirl, I obviously don’t know crapola about love…but from this manchild’s perspective, it seems that you might be squandering an incredibly beautiful opportunity to live with the man that loves you.

    Why is that you always focus so intently on all the possible negatives? Buck up and follow your emotions for once! Of course it’s not the “safest” of options…but then again, nothing worthwhile in this life ever is. Sure, things might blow up in your face, but so what? Would you rather be an old spinster and wait for DD to ask for your hand in marriage? Considering all his relationship insecurities and fears…well, good luck waiting for that to happen!

    What DD is doing is totally understandable. He’s testing the waters to see if the concept of living together FOREVER with another person is actually feasible. It’s a smart move. He’s probably deathfully intimidated by all the preconcieved notions that the very-loaded words “marriage” and “engagement” bring to the table…so instead he’s taking his first baby step towards a very bigger commitment. Don’t rebuff his advances!

    Seriously. It’s completely sensible to be precautious, but when you let your neuroses and doubts dictate your life…

    I know this is an extremely taxing situation you’re in. All I’m saying is stop listening to your old school mom and bitter girlfriends…and follow your heart. If you think I’m crazy, hit up the local Bob Evans and find some old folks who don’t know you at all. Read them this blog entry you just wrote..and I guarantee the ones who aren’t deaf or raving neo-republicans will tell you this:


    Life is short…and yours might very possibly be even shorter, right? Pick happiness over security, SG$!!

  3. A Super Girl

    Well Suneil, that was quite the long-winded response… and “lil’ bizzo”?! Really?

    Are you on a hallucinogen at the moment? 😉

    Also, I’m not slamming the door in DD’s face. He gets what is going on, and probably would prefer I *not* burn bridges with my mother.

  4. I’m glad he’s respectful of your family’s position on this issue. you guys will be living together soon enough and “living together’ is a very loose term 🙂

  5. Living together sounds like it may or may not be complicated. I think it’s all about how you keep your stuff – his is his and hers is hers. E and I talked about that once. If we lived together, it would be in my house. We would not buy anything together – like a different house with both of our names on the mortgage, or cosign a car loan. If the washer dies, I buy the new one because it’s my house. Equal shares of utilities and he would pay half the mortgage and groceries. That way if we DO split, we know what belongs to whom. Anything legal we would keep separate. We’d probably keep only separate checking accounts too.

    It’s just a thought. You know I want the best for you 2 and I’m glad you’re giving such a serious decision the serious consideration it deserves!

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