For me, it’s the last day of vacation. It feels like I’ve had about a month off, so I guess in some ways I’m looking forward to being back at work and in my usual routine. In other ways, I’m just dreading it.
The past couple days I’ve been a bit cranky. Perhaps it’s because of the impending end of my vacation and the onslaught of work that I’ll be drowning in, starting tomorrow. Sadly, though, I seem to be taking it out on DD, and I’m not quite sure why. We had a wonderful holiday together, and good quality time in general of late. But for some reason, the past couple days he has just been annoying the shit out of me. And the crazy-crazy that I once rambled on about has been coming back to haunt me.
I’m thinking it’s just because we’ve spent so much time together the past week or so that I just need some space. The only child in me is rearing her ugly head.
It’s frustrating, because when I get in these moods and the crazy unleashes itself, it’s hard for me to dig myself out. I begin to question things and then I get scared that we’re not right for each other. There are days (like yesterday) I feel like I love him less than other days, and I hate feeling that way. Overall, the positives about him and us outweigh the negatives, but I have this misconception that there shouldn’t be any negatives. After all, if I’m getting annoyed with him after only a year and a half of dating, will I be able to live with him for the rest of my life?!
I know, it’s crazy. Of course the people you love are going to annoy you. Of course you’re going to feel less loving toward them sometimes.
Last night, on our way home from a party, I apologized for being such a cranky-pants. He asked me if there was any particular reason for it, and I said that there wasn’t. Because I didn’t want to tell him the real reasons — that sometimes, his jokes and little kid behavior really get on my nerves. Other times, they provide humor and fun, so I hate to call him out on it. Also, I didn’t want to tell him that something that happened in the past 24 hours (that I won’t get into here) had physically disgusted me and as a result I was seeing him in a different — and less attractive — light. Because what happened really wasn’t his fault and I’m sure my feelings about the situation will change after a bit of time passes.
People always say relationships have their ups and downs. I’m sure he gets this way about me sometimes. It’s just that I’ve never been in a relationship this long. I’ve never gotten past the honeymoon stage of the first few months, so anything negative that pops up makes me question the whole foundation.
I suppose I should express my feelings to him, but I don’t want to hurt him. So much of these annoyances pop up at my whim, he can’t control it. I guess for now, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep believing this really is just the normal course of things.