Due to my current blogging block, I’ve seriously considered regurgitating posts from my days as a MySpacer. After all, 99.9999% of you have never read them. But that wouldn’t really be a good blogging practice, now would it?
However, I realized there was one blog topic from the good old days that could use some input from this blogosphere.
And that topic? Is about bras. Strapless bras to be exact.
I’ve been thinking about this since mcgee wrote a post mentioning strapless bras, because they present quite an undergarment conundrum. I had just discovered her blog and was so excited that I could offer her the same strapless bra nirvana I’d found just two short years ago (and subsequently blogged about on MySpace). I rushed over to the Web site, which of course I’d favorited, and prepared to send her the link. I could only gasp in disbelief as the site loaded and I saw the dreaded:
Sorry, this style is no longer available.
Why, oh why, did I only buy one? It took me months of searching and a trip all the way to the Australian Internets to find that bra. And it’s fabulous. With this revelation, I’ve moved from blogging odes about fabulous Australian bras, to searching for a replacement.
First, let’s look at the many options available to the women of today. All photos were taken from Bare Necessities. In my 10+ years of experience with this undergarment, I’ve found 4 or 5 standard styles:
The vanilla version
This is of course the most common and ranges in varying plunge lines and push-up-ness. However, I don’t understand how it could possibly be popular. The only pro is that is has underwire, which is critical for me. But, they say it goes up to a G cup, yet my C’s have never had any luck keeping one of these up. It slips, it slides, and it gaps out so there’s an inevitable space between the lovely ladies and the top of the bra. Doesn’t really work for that whole seamless look I strive for. Variations of this bra also include degrees of push-up, which I could really do without. I feel that just gives less space for the actual ladies to breathe, and makes me look pornographic. Which is fine, just not at fancy cocktail parties with accountants.
The lovely bandeau
Ah, the bandeau. How I love thee. You are very seamless, and you get rid of that whole pesky slipping and gapping thing with your elastic on the bottom AND top. However, 99% of every bandeau bra I see lacks underwire. And for me, that’s a dealbreaker.
Yes, the model looks all smiley and happy, but that’s just because she can’t exhale to move her mouth into a different position. They call it a long-line, maybe to make you think it’s slimming you up into one “long line” while keeping the ladies perky. The last time I wore a bra like this was my junior prom and that’s not long enough. My stomach needs to breathe y’all, and with this bra I’d love the slimming and perking factor right up to the moment I eat a piece of popcorn. And then I’d have to run screaming from the room and tear it off because the popcorn digestion process would have exceeded the allowable space of my bra.
The sticky one
I think this one, like, sticks to you. I’ve never tried a version of this type, but I can only assume it also sags with you if you’re much more than an A cup. My ladies deserve some perk (but not too much perk; see the vanilla one, above). Plus, I’m entirely too low maintenance to un-adhere my bra after a long night on the town. At that point, all I can muster is having DD take it off for me because I can’t be bothered to reach around and undo the hooks. And to be honest, he’s not so good with the hooks, so I’m sure something that sticks to me would be an even more difficult concept for him to grasp.
The combination pack
This is the closest I found to the fabulous Australian strapless bra that I’m currently looking to replace. It’s got the underwire and the bandeau. It doesn’t suffocate, and it’s easily removable. However, my bra doesn’t have the oddly separated boob pockets that this one does. So that’s turning me off a bit. But ideally, this is the type of bra I strive for. Without the boob pockets.
Ah well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board and long nights of looking at pictures of women in varying states of being strapped in. To their bras, that is. Help me avoid it by suggesting a strapless bra you love.
And stay tuned for tomorrow, when I’ll introduce a new feature: Super Outfit! In which a strapless bra may or may not be used.